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THE DAY I LOST MY FAMILY.

WHY THIS BLOG, AND WHY I AM ANGRY.

Hi, welcome to my blog. I am new at this, and even if I don't give a fuck about your opinion, be objective, tell me to go and fuck myself, but build an argument. This is no place for morons or ignorance, because that is exactly what I am angry about.

I have gone through several stages in my life, and recently, I have to admit it has poured over me. For the past two years, my life has been nothing like it used to be, and when that happens, you stop and analyze the world, other people, your people, yourself.... and the conclusions are amazing. 

First of all, I am an orphan. I lost my family, or what I considered to be my family, with one exception, two years ago. My beloved Great aunt and mother stopped breathing while I was holding them. I was in shock. And even though my mom had cancer, I was not prepared to let her go. Who is?! Please! But, hours before her departure, her Doctor asked us to call anybody we wanted to be there because my mom was not well. 

So, I called my two Great aunts; theye were my whole mom's family, and the family I grew up with. I was actually raised by them, but those details come in another chapter. My Great aunt Ana, the youngest of them all, the strong one, who called me her favorite person in the world, picked up the phone, so I told her what the Doctor told us. We cried on the phone, and I arranged a person to pick them up because I didn't want to leave my mom's side.

They came over to our house (well, it isn't mine, but that will also come in another chapter), and we spent the entire night by my mom's bed; crying, praying, everone was doing something different. Sometimes even in denial and eating pizza in the kitchen, making jokes... now I see it was a defense mechanism, but I got out of it very fast and went back to my mom's side.

The hours passed by and my mother, who was unconscious, called my name at least five times that night, and everyone heard her, but one person (that later as well) decided that she was saying something else and started to talk to my mom, but, like I said, she was unconscious, so she didn't respond.

I have to say the besides my name, my mom also opened her eyes for a moment and looked at my two Great Aunts and yelled: No! We didn't get it at the moment, but afterwards, we did; or I did, because I don't give a fuck about the rest. My aunt Ana (read above) told me that my mom was worried to see them there, with no sleeping, and then, she went to sit down and stared at my mom for hours. I never looked her face, that face, before.

So the morning came, the maid came, and my father's mother and sister were in the kitchen, while my two aunts, Ana and Justina a.k.a. Rayito (I believe I didn't mention her name, and besides, all of them had nicknames), were in the living room, while my mom was unconscious in her bedroom. So, I spent sometime with my aunts in the living room, and then went back to be by my mom's side. No sleeping at all. I can't remember for how long, but it wasn't just one night.

Around 1O am, I heard a very loud, terrible noise, while women called my name: Alex! Your aunt fell! So, I ran to the kitchen, and I thought that my aunt Justina was on the floor, because, and this is not a joke, she fell more times than most people in several lifetimes. I was nervous in those seconds, but I thought at the same time: we'll pick her up, and after this, everything will be fine. Oh surprise! It was my aunt Ana, and she didn't fall, she had a heart attack, and she was dying when I got there. I tried to wake her up, screaming: don't do this to me please! But, I could see her face turning pale, her pulse stopping, her breathing fading away... I don't know how it happened, but all of a sudden, I had a medical team pulling me away from my aunt Ana, and they (I don't remember who did) took me to the living room. 

After a minute or so, I heard one of the paramedics say: the lady is gone. I started to feel a panic attack, and I could barely breath, and I remember that I was grabbing one of the paramedics from her uniform, and I remember her being very rude. My blood preasure went to the roof (and I never suffered from it), and they gave me a pill of Clonazepam and I went running to the bathroom because I felt sick, but, after crying like crazy, I was in shock. I remember being at my mom's bedroom while my aun Ana's body was lying on the kitchen's floor. Why me? Why did this happen? What the fuck was going on???

After a while, my aunt Ana's body was taken to my sister's bedroom, next door to my mom's, so I spent the next hours between the two rooms. Crying on one, expecting a miracle, and crying in the other one, in disbelief. I was asking my aunt to wake up, to tell me: why? And to tell me what it felt like. I wanted to feel her, to see her, but nothing. It was just a body lying there. What made my Aunt Ana being herself, wasn't there anymore. I was wondering where she was, if she could see me, if she felt something before... in a second, I remembered my mom yelling no! While opening her eyes and looking at where my two aunts were; I remembered my Aunt Ana's staring, deep look in the previous hours. I just could not believe this was happening. Fuck death! I thought. 

Then, they came to pick my aunt Ana's body, and I remembered watching that scene in many films or TV shows, some among my favorite ones, and again, I could not believe that was happening to me.

After that, I went to my mom's room and stayed with her, expecting a miracle. I was trying to be rational, and I believed that my aunt Ana gave her life so my mom could wake up and stay with me. People were in the house, and the Doctor was there, 24/7. I realized that my father's mom was in a corner, praying. She is a devoted Catholic. And when nobody else was near my mom's bed, I jumped in. I told her how much I loved her, and that I would be fine... yes, the unthinkable. I was helping my mom to let go... I have to add here that my mom cried one day, out of the blue, a few weeks before, and when I asked her why, she told me that she was worried about me. That if something happened, she was really worried about my reaction, about me sinking. Well, she was right. 

But back to my mom's bed. I told her that I would try to get along with my brother and my sister, and I told her the moments I was mad about and why, and I told her that I would change and that she could leave (yes, LEAVE) if she wanted to. I was kissing her, crying, hugging her, next to bed with her... then I said, mom, you can go, don't worry about me... seconds later, my father's mother said: she is not breathing. I responded: she does that. The Doctor stepped in and yes, my mom was gone.

Everybody came in, crying, and then, my mom looked like she was sleeping; literally. And since it was basically midnight, they would come the next day to take the body, so, we all slept with her that night. For those with panic attacks, you know what I mean when you are awaken by one; it's the most terrifying feeling. That happened to me several times that night.

In the morning, I could not stop touching my mom, because I knew I would never, ever, be able to do that again. She had beautiful, soft skin. Then, in the most surreal situation, we went to say good bye to my aunt Ana. It was not a funeral, it was just for family and closest friends, one hour tops just to say good bye. Again, I touched her and could not stop crying, thanking her because in my adult life, no one, nobody, was what she was for me. She would literally do anything for me. That doesn't mean I took advantage of it; not at all; but it felt so great to know that. To be able to feel such love. I was very loved, and I knew it, but my two main 'love sources' left me at once.

We went back to the house and my mom was still in her bedroom, and I fell asleep again, and woke up, like in the movies, when the characters have nightmares, and thought, for maybe five seconds, that everything was, indeed, a nightmare. But it wasn't. My mom's body was there, waiting to be picked up.

Then, the person from the funeral home came to pick her up, and at first, he requested all of us to leave him alone, and I was taken by someone, but my father, brother and sister went back in, and I decided to do the same. I saw the scene... I could not believe my eyes. Was this actually happening? Didn't we just come back from the funeral home after saying good bye to my aunt Ana? What the FUCK was going on???

My mom's body was taken out of the house.... and so was my soul....

These were not my first encounters with death. Death... what is it? Does something happen afterwards? And if so, are we aware of that? Two years full of panic attacks and the worst personal situation, I still ask myself those questions, waiting to meet them all again, and I must admit, very afraid of the how.... but, the truth is that since I lost the five people I actually mentioned at some point that I could not live without, what am I doing here, right?

Well, I try to see the bright side, and believe me, I can't most of the time, but I am still here, wondering why, because I really feel that I am souless now... This was my mom and Grandmom's favorite song... 

Their deaths took a part of me. Each one of them (five). And without a soul, it is very hard to face life....

To be continued...

*And remember that I still fucking hate you, even though it's not personal.